Moving Forward....

There seems to come times in our lives when we reach a cross roads. We have things happen that we cant explain. At these given times we can chose two different roads to travel down. We can take a left at the fork and let whatever we have encountered consume us. We can also take a right and use whatever has happened as a life lesson. We can apply what was positive and what was negative in our lives and strive to make our lives better through those situations. 

As everyone knows my older brother Matthew died at the young age of 38 years of age. This was an event in all my families lives that we all had come to this cross road I have spoke of. We all could let it consume us or we could take that other road and make our lives better. I truly believe I have chosen the later on this one. I have taken this as a learning experience for myself and tried to apply what I could learn from this all to my life to make me a better person. 

The problem with my thinking has been that I have still let what has happened effect my personal life, as well as myself personally. For the first few weeks after Matt's death I seemed to be doing o.k. I was coping with what I had to deal with and doing what I could to maintain a normal life for myself and my family. The last few weeks I have found myself unable to sleep, very irritable, and anxious. The one thing I told I would not allow to effect my life negatively, I have. I have neglected my personal life. I have let this get to me to the point where my daily life has changed. This is where I draw the line. This is where I let go for good. 

I cannot sit here any longer and feel the way I feel. I did everything I could. I tried everything I knew to try. I have come to the realization that I could not do anymore. There was nothing I could do to save my brothers life as he was on a collision course with death. With this realization I have come to this answer. Once and for all I must say goodbye to Matt. Its not that I don't love and miss him with all my heart. Its not that I will not think about him everyday. Its the pure fact that I must give up my suffering to whoever is in control. I will not let this consume me. 

Once and for all brother, I love you so much and wish to god there was something I could have done to keep you here longer. I always looked up to you and just wish you could be here to share in life with me. I have felt sad, angry, depressed, anxious, happy, etc. You name it, I have felt it since you have left us. Today is the day that I say goodbye forever, that I move on with my life and not let this get to me like I have. Goodbye my brother. May you rest in peace. Until the day I see you long from now, I LOVE YOU. 

The most challenging few days of my life.....

Thursday, October 30th, 2008 began as just another day in the life of the Chancellor family. I woke up and began my preparations to go to work just like any other work day. This day had a really different feel to it and I would not know why for a few hours.

Just like every morning I got up, had my morning coffee and made myself some breakfast. I was especially excited for this day because I was going to work patrol for half the day and a friend of mine, Andrew Anderson, was going to come ride with me. I had a splitting headache for some reason and the morning just had a different feel to it. I had no idea why but my world would soon be rocked.

I drove the 3.5 miles into work that I drive every day, parked my car and went to change into my uniform. The locker room was the same as it is everyday. My teammates and I were all talking about the previous day, telling jokes at each others expense and talking about who we were looking for and what we wanted to do for work. We briefed on the wanted subjects within the department and anything we wanted to focus on as a team in the Downtown Salem area before breaking to get to work.

I had got my car for the day as I was supposed to work patrol later. I mentioned to a partner of mine, Chad, that I was hungry and might stop to get something to eat. We decided we would grab something on the way to our office downtown and both left the station together. We had just grabbed some food and were heading back to the office. On normal days when Chad and I do this, I don't sign on to the computer until we get to the office. Like I said earlier, this day was different right from the beginning.

As we were stopped at a few lights I signed onto the computer. The call screen was empty right when I signed on. Not even 15 seconds later I updated the call screen and noticed there was an Uncon1 on the screen. This is short for an unconscious person. My throat dropped into my stomach as I read across the screen to the address of the call. The address read 770 Wildwind Ave SE. I knew my brother Matthew lived in the 700 block of this street and my heart began to race as I clicked on the call to get the details.

All of the above happened so fast and at this point I was just starting to react to what I was reading. I looked over at Chad and said "I think that's my brother's address." I began reading the call and was slapped in the face by reality when it was confirmed in my mind that what I had feared most was true. I read through the call on the screen and saw there was a 38 year old male down in the bathroom. The male was not breathing and the person calling said he was dead.

I looked at Chad and said "holy shit, my brother is dead" without even thinking. I dispatched on the call and began driving to the scene. I can't remember everything that happened on the way to the scene however, I do remember being told by my Corporal to stand down from the call. I looked at Chad again and said "there is no way i'm not going to this call Chad. That is my brother." Chad agreed and told me to continue, asking me if I was ok to be driving. I told him I was fine and continued to the call.

The next thought that raced through my mind was "who is the caller." The calltaker was not updating the caller information because they were trying to get all the information for the call. This was killing me because I knew it was most likely my mother or father. About half way through reading the call and driving to get there, it really started to hit me that my brother could be dead.

Just as I thought that, the call was updated and I read that my mother was the person that found Matt. The call continued to read that my mother could not attempt CPR as she could not turn Matt over and she was sure he was dead. I got within a few blocks of the house and saw an ambulance driving away from the area. This even further confirmed my thoughts as the ambulance was driving away from the hospital and did not have its lights and siren activated.

After what seemed like forever, I arrived at the house and saw the fire engine and another patrol car on scene. I walked up to the house and saw my mother in the front room with the firefighters and officers. I walked into the room to find my mother shaking violently and crying as hard as I have ever seen her cry. As I went to my mother she yelled "Steve, he's dead. Matt's dead." I grabbed ahold of her and held her as she sobbed in my arms. I sat her down on a window bench seat and held her as she cried and talked to me. My mother described the scene in the bathroom and I knew I didnt need to see it to know Matt was dead. She told me she had already called my dad and he was on his way. Within a few minutes I looked out and saw my fathers truck on the street.

I dont know why but I thought I could keep my father from going in to see Matt. I was trying to protect him from having to see the scene that was already haunting my mother. My 70 year old father ran from his truck until I met him at the sidewalk with resistance. He began yelling at me to get out of his way, pushing and shoving me to get past me as I tried to tell him he shouldn't go in and see Matt. We struggled in the yard for a few moments until I finally realized there was no way I would be able to keep him from going in. My father rushed past me and was met briefly with resistance at the front door by two other officers who eventually let him inside.

I followed closely behind my father as he went straight to where Matt's body was. I did not enter and just watched as my father collapsed on the floor and began sobbing "Oh Matt, I love you." Now I had not started crying yet and was trying to hold it together. Right at this time I could no longer do that and exited out the back door into the backyard. I absolutely broke down as what had just happened hit me with its full weight.

I now stood out back sobbing with Chad standing nearby. My father came out and broke down as we hugged and held each other. I left for about 20 minutes to change out of my uniform and meet Kori (my fiance) before returning to the house.

I returned with Kori, along with a fellow officer who was acting as support for my family. I brought my parents outside and began helping with making notifications on the death of my brother as well as setting up for Matt's body to be taken to a funeral home which my friend Andrew runs.

I began going numb as I spoke with relatives. My sister Becky arrived, along with Matt's wife Pam. We all sat outside and cried, hugging each other in between conversations. We stayed there until Matt's body was taken from the scene and paid our respects as he was placed in the funeral homes van.

We left the scene and all went to my parents house. We sobbed, and sat in their family room talking to each other.

Over the last three days, I have experienced the absolute toughest time I have ever had to endure. I have been very involved in the planning of the service, arranging the funeral, as well as finding a place to bury Matt. I have had some very hard moments however, I know with me being involved in the planning it has been a great tool in the grieving process.

Matt was an absolutely amazing person, father, brother and son. I will forever miss him and still can't believe he is gone. My next blog will be more about the memories I have of Matt and how much he has touched my life throughout the years. Until then, Rest in Peace Matthew Chancellor. You will forever be missed!

Disclaimer.

In the last couple months I had thought about starting a blog online to act as a journal and to be an outlet to the stresses of life. I have come to the conclusion that if I am going to write about the events of my life, these writing are going to be raw and real. This is just a disclaimer for everyone reading that some of the events may not be the most uplifting, and some may. Now having said this, my first blog details probably the hardest few days of my life to date.