Well here I go again. Time to write about anything and everything that comes to mind with life as it is right now. Obviously there is one thing, and one thing only on my mind right now. 

The picture next to what I am writing is of my three brothers. Well the three I used to have and be able to call on a daily basis. My brother David, the pilot is the only one of the three I have left. Within 39 days, I have lost both Matt (on the left) and Kevin (on the right). 

At this point I am so numb that I do not even know how to feel. I look at this, and other pictures of my brothers and begin to weep so heavily I have a hard time seeing the screen to type. I miss my brother. My older brothers who always looked after me growing up. The brothers who included me in things that most older brothers would not think or want to include their little brother in. 

It saddens me so much to think I will never be able to call Matt up on the phone and discuss the latest A's trade, or how a certain player has or hasn't been playing well. I will never be able to visit the coast and see my brother Kevin for breakfast, lunch or dinner. The only thing I have left is to visit their respective grave sites. 

I will never get to hug Matt again or tell him that I love him as he is already buried. The last time I was able to was while standing over his open casket. I will get to hug Kevin a few more times. Once at his viewing, and once before he is laid to rest. Its not the same by any means and I just wish once more I could hold my brothers while they were alive and tell them one more time that I love them. 

I have heard so many people talk about how they have felt the presence of Matt or Kevin after they have passed. I have felt nothing but grief and pure depression. I have struggled a bit with how something like this could happen. How a family could be dealt such a tragic situation. 

This has got to be a dream. Every morning I wake up and hope that I will have another email from Kevin or a phone call or text from Matt. I don't care what those messages say, just that this was all a big dream and everything is the way it used to be. 

I'm sure this makes absolutely no sense but I will keep writing. I will keep expressing my feelings. I will keep grieving my brothers as it is the only thing I know to do. I have no energy, its hard for me to smile. 

More than anything, if anyone at all has actually read this blog and made it through to the end. Please take the time to tell your loved ones how much you love them. Don't take for granted that you might have even one  more second on this earth with them. Don't just think that they know you love them and that is good enough. Pick up the phone, call them and let them know exactly how you feel. Sorry for the depressing blog. I wish this was going to be my last but I guarantee there will be more to follow. 

Sleep well my brothers. I will forever miss both of you.

He will never give you more than you can handle?

Before I really begin on this blog I want to make one thing very clear. In no way with what I am about to say am I questioning my faith. In no way am I putting blame on god for what has happened. I am simply just at a loss right now and am having a hard time putting into words exactly what I feel. Please pardon my language as I don't exactly have the cleanest of mouths.

Having said that, today has been another tragic day in the life of the Chancellor family. In my previous posts I'm sure you have all read about the death of my brother Matt just over a month ago. Just when you think you have got all you can handle on your plate, you get another big slap in the face. Below is the account of what has happened today as well as leading up to it.

It has been over a month since Matt's passing. I had just began to come out of the fog of losing Matt and had been doing much better. The slap in the face was soon to come.

I woke up this morning to the sound of Kori's alarm clock. I got up with her, and for once made her breakfast before she went off to work. It was a day off from work for me and I planned to do stuff around the house and take care of a few things I had been meaning to do. After feeding my beautiful Fiance and sending her to work, I began to do a few chores around the house.

I cleaned up the kitchen, and did a few loads of laundry before hoping in the shower. I called my father and had planned to go to Matt's old house and pick up a few tools nobody was going to use that used to be Matt's. I had just got off the phone when I got a call from my brother in law Jason.

Jason is an attorney here in Salem and I thought he would be calling me about an accident he is taking care of for me. Instead of him saying anything about my accident, he said something I could never have thought I would hear in my wildest dreams. Jason said " Steve, I just got a call from Kevin's bishop and they found him dead this morning." It took a moment for what Jason said to me to register before the what felt like the weight of the world came crashing down on me.

I stood there for a minute before asking him to repeat what he had just said. I then gave my first response. "You have got to be fucking kidding me!" I made this statement twice more to Jason getting increasingly louder each time. At this time I went into absolute shock. I felt like the more times I said it, maybe he would laugh and say just kidding. I would have been absolutely pissed off at him if that was the case but I could handle that. Jason made it perfectly clear to me this was no joke.

I tried to breath while I continued to choke on my words. My brain had a fog over it that wouldn't let me think past the most basic of physical movements. I began to shake uncontrollable and could not think about what to do next.

I asked Jason if he had spoke with my father and he said he could not get a hold of him. I explained to him that my father was at Matt's old house and I was supposed to be meeting him there. Jason said he would go to the house, along with a few guys from my parents church to break the news. I knew I couldn't break the news alone however, I also knew I had to be there. I told Jason to let me know when they were going and I would meet them at the house.

I couldn't get a hold of Kori as she was meeting with a client for work. My next call was to my Sargent from work. I explained to him what happened and I cant even remember what words I said to him. Whatever I said must have been impactful as he was on my doorstep within 5 minutes of me calling him.

From there I don't remember much. I know I spoke to my brother David, Kori, and a friend from work. We arrived at Matt's old house and I paused as I was waiting for Jason and the others to arrive. Jason arrived and I walked the two or so blocks to Matt's old house to break the news to my father that yet another son of his had died.

We all met my father and broke the news to him. My father broke down in tears and I thought he was going to collapse. He stood tall and began to get very angry at whatever, and whoever he could. I gathered my father and drove him back to my parents house where we all sat for a few hours talking about what to do next and just sitting in the thickest fog one could ever imagine.

The rest of the day has been crazy. I feel so numb. I feel so depressed. Not in my wildest dreams would I have imagined this could happen. Not this soon. Not now. Not after my family has just had to deal with the passing of my brother Matt.

Like I said at the beginning, this most likely all sounds like a jumbled mess of words. I thought things were tough when Matt was gone. This is like a dream, like I'm going to wake up any minute and Kevin may still be alive. I know this isn't the case and life will have to go on. I'm just not sure how soon that will take place. For now this is all I can stand to write. Please pray for my family and pray for my brothers.