Well here I go again. Time to write about anything and everything that comes to mind with life as it is right now. Obviously there is one thing, and one thing only on my mind right now. 

The picture next to what I am writing is of my three brothers. Well the three I used to have and be able to call on a daily basis. My brother David, the pilot is the only one of the three I have left. Within 39 days, I have lost both Matt (on the left) and Kevin (on the right). 

At this point I am so numb that I do not even know how to feel. I look at this, and other pictures of my brothers and begin to weep so heavily I have a hard time seeing the screen to type. I miss my brother. My older brothers who always looked after me growing up. The brothers who included me in things that most older brothers would not think or want to include their little brother in. 

It saddens me so much to think I will never be able to call Matt up on the phone and discuss the latest A's trade, or how a certain player has or hasn't been playing well. I will never be able to visit the coast and see my brother Kevin for breakfast, lunch or dinner. The only thing I have left is to visit their respective grave sites. 

I will never get to hug Matt again or tell him that I love him as he is already buried. The last time I was able to was while standing over his open casket. I will get to hug Kevin a few more times. Once at his viewing, and once before he is laid to rest. Its not the same by any means and I just wish once more I could hold my brothers while they were alive and tell them one more time that I love them. 

I have heard so many people talk about how they have felt the presence of Matt or Kevin after they have passed. I have felt nothing but grief and pure depression. I have struggled a bit with how something like this could happen. How a family could be dealt such a tragic situation. 

This has got to be a dream. Every morning I wake up and hope that I will have another email from Kevin or a phone call or text from Matt. I don't care what those messages say, just that this was all a big dream and everything is the way it used to be. 

I'm sure this makes absolutely no sense but I will keep writing. I will keep expressing my feelings. I will keep grieving my brothers as it is the only thing I know to do. I have no energy, its hard for me to smile. 

More than anything, if anyone at all has actually read this blog and made it through to the end. Please take the time to tell your loved ones how much you love them. Don't take for granted that you might have even one  more second on this earth with them. Don't just think that they know you love them and that is good enough. Pick up the phone, call them and let them know exactly how you feel. Sorry for the depressing blog. I wish this was going to be my last but I guarantee there will be more to follow. 

Sleep well my brothers. I will forever miss both of you.

He will never give you more than you can handle?

Before I really begin on this blog I want to make one thing very clear. In no way with what I am about to say am I questioning my faith. In no way am I putting blame on god for what has happened. I am simply just at a loss right now and am having a hard time putting into words exactly what I feel. Please pardon my language as I don't exactly have the cleanest of mouths.

Having said that, today has been another tragic day in the life of the Chancellor family. In my previous posts I'm sure you have all read about the death of my brother Matt just over a month ago. Just when you think you have got all you can handle on your plate, you get another big slap in the face. Below is the account of what has happened today as well as leading up to it.

It has been over a month since Matt's passing. I had just began to come out of the fog of losing Matt and had been doing much better. The slap in the face was soon to come.

I woke up this morning to the sound of Kori's alarm clock. I got up with her, and for once made her breakfast before she went off to work. It was a day off from work for me and I planned to do stuff around the house and take care of a few things I had been meaning to do. After feeding my beautiful Fiance and sending her to work, I began to do a few chores around the house.

I cleaned up the kitchen, and did a few loads of laundry before hoping in the shower. I called my father and had planned to go to Matt's old house and pick up a few tools nobody was going to use that used to be Matt's. I had just got off the phone when I got a call from my brother in law Jason.

Jason is an attorney here in Salem and I thought he would be calling me about an accident he is taking care of for me. Instead of him saying anything about my accident, he said something I could never have thought I would hear in my wildest dreams. Jason said " Steve, I just got a call from Kevin's bishop and they found him dead this morning." It took a moment for what Jason said to me to register before the what felt like the weight of the world came crashing down on me.

I stood there for a minute before asking him to repeat what he had just said. I then gave my first response. "You have got to be fucking kidding me!" I made this statement twice more to Jason getting increasingly louder each time. At this time I went into absolute shock. I felt like the more times I said it, maybe he would laugh and say just kidding. I would have been absolutely pissed off at him if that was the case but I could handle that. Jason made it perfectly clear to me this was no joke.

I tried to breath while I continued to choke on my words. My brain had a fog over it that wouldn't let me think past the most basic of physical movements. I began to shake uncontrollable and could not think about what to do next.

I asked Jason if he had spoke with my father and he said he could not get a hold of him. I explained to him that my father was at Matt's old house and I was supposed to be meeting him there. Jason said he would go to the house, along with a few guys from my parents church to break the news. I knew I couldn't break the news alone however, I also knew I had to be there. I told Jason to let me know when they were going and I would meet them at the house.

I couldn't get a hold of Kori as she was meeting with a client for work. My next call was to my Sargent from work. I explained to him what happened and I cant even remember what words I said to him. Whatever I said must have been impactful as he was on my doorstep within 5 minutes of me calling him.

From there I don't remember much. I know I spoke to my brother David, Kori, and a friend from work. We arrived at Matt's old house and I paused as I was waiting for Jason and the others to arrive. Jason arrived and I walked the two or so blocks to Matt's old house to break the news to my father that yet another son of his had died.

We all met my father and broke the news to him. My father broke down in tears and I thought he was going to collapse. He stood tall and began to get very angry at whatever, and whoever he could. I gathered my father and drove him back to my parents house where we all sat for a few hours talking about what to do next and just sitting in the thickest fog one could ever imagine.

The rest of the day has been crazy. I feel so numb. I feel so depressed. Not in my wildest dreams would I have imagined this could happen. Not this soon. Not now. Not after my family has just had to deal with the passing of my brother Matt.

Like I said at the beginning, this most likely all sounds like a jumbled mess of words. I thought things were tough when Matt was gone. This is like a dream, like I'm going to wake up any minute and Kevin may still be alive. I know this isn't the case and life will have to go on. I'm just not sure how soon that will take place. For now this is all I can stand to write. Please pray for my family and pray for my brothers.

Moving Forward....

There seems to come times in our lives when we reach a cross roads. We have things happen that we cant explain. At these given times we can chose two different roads to travel down. We can take a left at the fork and let whatever we have encountered consume us. We can also take a right and use whatever has happened as a life lesson. We can apply what was positive and what was negative in our lives and strive to make our lives better through those situations. 

As everyone knows my older brother Matthew died at the young age of 38 years of age. This was an event in all my families lives that we all had come to this cross road I have spoke of. We all could let it consume us or we could take that other road and make our lives better. I truly believe I have chosen the later on this one. I have taken this as a learning experience for myself and tried to apply what I could learn from this all to my life to make me a better person. 

The problem with my thinking has been that I have still let what has happened effect my personal life, as well as myself personally. For the first few weeks after Matt's death I seemed to be doing o.k. I was coping with what I had to deal with and doing what I could to maintain a normal life for myself and my family. The last few weeks I have found myself unable to sleep, very irritable, and anxious. The one thing I told I would not allow to effect my life negatively, I have. I have neglected my personal life. I have let this get to me to the point where my daily life has changed. This is where I draw the line. This is where I let go for good. 

I cannot sit here any longer and feel the way I feel. I did everything I could. I tried everything I knew to try. I have come to the realization that I could not do anymore. There was nothing I could do to save my brothers life as he was on a collision course with death. With this realization I have come to this answer. Once and for all I must say goodbye to Matt. Its not that I don't love and miss him with all my heart. Its not that I will not think about him everyday. Its the pure fact that I must give up my suffering to whoever is in control. I will not let this consume me. 

Once and for all brother, I love you so much and wish to god there was something I could have done to keep you here longer. I always looked up to you and just wish you could be here to share in life with me. I have felt sad, angry, depressed, anxious, happy, etc. You name it, I have felt it since you have left us. Today is the day that I say goodbye forever, that I move on with my life and not let this get to me like I have. Goodbye my brother. May you rest in peace. Until the day I see you long from now, I LOVE YOU. 

The most challenging few days of my life.....

Thursday, October 30th, 2008 began as just another day in the life of the Chancellor family. I woke up and began my preparations to go to work just like any other work day. This day had a really different feel to it and I would not know why for a few hours.

Just like every morning I got up, had my morning coffee and made myself some breakfast. I was especially excited for this day because I was going to work patrol for half the day and a friend of mine, Andrew Anderson, was going to come ride with me. I had a splitting headache for some reason and the morning just had a different feel to it. I had no idea why but my world would soon be rocked.

I drove the 3.5 miles into work that I drive every day, parked my car and went to change into my uniform. The locker room was the same as it is everyday. My teammates and I were all talking about the previous day, telling jokes at each others expense and talking about who we were looking for and what we wanted to do for work. We briefed on the wanted subjects within the department and anything we wanted to focus on as a team in the Downtown Salem area before breaking to get to work.

I had got my car for the day as I was supposed to work patrol later. I mentioned to a partner of mine, Chad, that I was hungry and might stop to get something to eat. We decided we would grab something on the way to our office downtown and both left the station together. We had just grabbed some food and were heading back to the office. On normal days when Chad and I do this, I don't sign on to the computer until we get to the office. Like I said earlier, this day was different right from the beginning.

As we were stopped at a few lights I signed onto the computer. The call screen was empty right when I signed on. Not even 15 seconds later I updated the call screen and noticed there was an Uncon1 on the screen. This is short for an unconscious person. My throat dropped into my stomach as I read across the screen to the address of the call. The address read 770 Wildwind Ave SE. I knew my brother Matthew lived in the 700 block of this street and my heart began to race as I clicked on the call to get the details.

All of the above happened so fast and at this point I was just starting to react to what I was reading. I looked over at Chad and said "I think that's my brother's address." I began reading the call and was slapped in the face by reality when it was confirmed in my mind that what I had feared most was true. I read through the call on the screen and saw there was a 38 year old male down in the bathroom. The male was not breathing and the person calling said he was dead.

I looked at Chad and said "holy shit, my brother is dead" without even thinking. I dispatched on the call and began driving to the scene. I can't remember everything that happened on the way to the scene however, I do remember being told by my Corporal to stand down from the call. I looked at Chad again and said "there is no way i'm not going to this call Chad. That is my brother." Chad agreed and told me to continue, asking me if I was ok to be driving. I told him I was fine and continued to the call.

The next thought that raced through my mind was "who is the caller." The calltaker was not updating the caller information because they were trying to get all the information for the call. This was killing me because I knew it was most likely my mother or father. About half way through reading the call and driving to get there, it really started to hit me that my brother could be dead.

Just as I thought that, the call was updated and I read that my mother was the person that found Matt. The call continued to read that my mother could not attempt CPR as she could not turn Matt over and she was sure he was dead. I got within a few blocks of the house and saw an ambulance driving away from the area. This even further confirmed my thoughts as the ambulance was driving away from the hospital and did not have its lights and siren activated.

After what seemed like forever, I arrived at the house and saw the fire engine and another patrol car on scene. I walked up to the house and saw my mother in the front room with the firefighters and officers. I walked into the room to find my mother shaking violently and crying as hard as I have ever seen her cry. As I went to my mother she yelled "Steve, he's dead. Matt's dead." I grabbed ahold of her and held her as she sobbed in my arms. I sat her down on a window bench seat and held her as she cried and talked to me. My mother described the scene in the bathroom and I knew I didnt need to see it to know Matt was dead. She told me she had already called my dad and he was on his way. Within a few minutes I looked out and saw my fathers truck on the street.

I dont know why but I thought I could keep my father from going in to see Matt. I was trying to protect him from having to see the scene that was already haunting my mother. My 70 year old father ran from his truck until I met him at the sidewalk with resistance. He began yelling at me to get out of his way, pushing and shoving me to get past me as I tried to tell him he shouldn't go in and see Matt. We struggled in the yard for a few moments until I finally realized there was no way I would be able to keep him from going in. My father rushed past me and was met briefly with resistance at the front door by two other officers who eventually let him inside.

I followed closely behind my father as he went straight to where Matt's body was. I did not enter and just watched as my father collapsed on the floor and began sobbing "Oh Matt, I love you." Now I had not started crying yet and was trying to hold it together. Right at this time I could no longer do that and exited out the back door into the backyard. I absolutely broke down as what had just happened hit me with its full weight.

I now stood out back sobbing with Chad standing nearby. My father came out and broke down as we hugged and held each other. I left for about 20 minutes to change out of my uniform and meet Kori (my fiance) before returning to the house.

I returned with Kori, along with a fellow officer who was acting as support for my family. I brought my parents outside and began helping with making notifications on the death of my brother as well as setting up for Matt's body to be taken to a funeral home which my friend Andrew runs.

I began going numb as I spoke with relatives. My sister Becky arrived, along with Matt's wife Pam. We all sat outside and cried, hugging each other in between conversations. We stayed there until Matt's body was taken from the scene and paid our respects as he was placed in the funeral homes van.

We left the scene and all went to my parents house. We sobbed, and sat in their family room talking to each other.

Over the last three days, I have experienced the absolute toughest time I have ever had to endure. I have been very involved in the planning of the service, arranging the funeral, as well as finding a place to bury Matt. I have had some very hard moments however, I know with me being involved in the planning it has been a great tool in the grieving process.

Matt was an absolutely amazing person, father, brother and son. I will forever miss him and still can't believe he is gone. My next blog will be more about the memories I have of Matt and how much he has touched my life throughout the years. Until then, Rest in Peace Matthew Chancellor. You will forever be missed!

Disclaimer.

In the last couple months I had thought about starting a blog online to act as a journal and to be an outlet to the stresses of life. I have come to the conclusion that if I am going to write about the events of my life, these writing are going to be raw and real. This is just a disclaimer for everyone reading that some of the events may not be the most uplifting, and some may. Now having said this, my first blog details probably the hardest few days of my life to date.