Chance

Well here I go again. Time to write about anything and everything that comes to mind with life as it is right now. Obviously there is one thing, and one thing only on my mind right now. 

The picture next to what I am writing is of my three brothers. Well the three I used to have and be able to call on a daily basis. My brother David, the pilot is the only one of the three I have left. Within 39 days, I have lost both Matt (on the left) and Kevin (on the right). 

At this point I am so numb that I do not even know how to feel. I look at this, and other pictures of my brothers and begin to weep so heavily I have a hard time seeing the screen to type. I miss my brother. My older brothers who always looked after me growing up. The brothers who included me in things that most older brothers would not think or want to include their little brother in. 

It saddens me so much to think I will never be able to call Matt up on the phone and discuss the latest A's trade, or how a certain player has or hasn't been playing well. I will never be able to visit the coast and see my brother Kevin for breakfast, lunch or dinner. The only thing I have left is to visit their respective grave sites. 

I will never get to hug Matt again or tell him that I love him as he is already buried. The last time I was able to was while standing over his open casket. I will get to hug Kevin a few more times. Once at his viewing, and once before he is laid to rest. Its not the same by any means and I just wish once more I could hold my brothers while they were alive and tell them one more time that I love them. 

I have heard so many people talk about how they have felt the presence of Matt or Kevin after they have passed. I have felt nothing but grief and pure depression. I have struggled a bit with how something like this could happen. How a family could be dealt such a tragic situation. 

This has got to be a dream. Every morning I wake up and hope that I will have another email from Kevin or a phone call or text from Matt. I don't care what those messages say, just that this was all a big dream and everything is the way it used to be. 

I'm sure this makes absolutely no sense but I will keep writing. I will keep expressing my feelings. I will keep grieving my brothers as it is the only thing I know to do. I have no energy, its hard for me to smile. 

More than anything, if anyone at all has actually read this blog and made it through to the end. Please take the time to tell your loved ones how much you love them. Don't take for granted that you might have even one  more second on this earth with them. Don't just think that they know you love them and that is good enough. Pick up the phone, call them and let them know exactly how you feel. Sorry for the depressing blog. I wish this was going to be my last but I guarantee there will be more to follow. 

Sleep well my brothers. I will forever miss both of you.