Before I really begin on this blog I want to make one thing very clear. In no way with what I am about to say am I questioning my faith. In no way am I putting blame on god for what has happened. I am simply just at a loss right now and am having a hard time putting into words exactly what I feel. Please pardon my language as I don't exactly have the cleanest of mouths.Having said that, today has been another tragic day in the life of the Chancellor family. In my previous posts I'm sure you have all read about the death of my brother Matt just over a month ago. Just when you think you have got all you can handle on your plate, you get another big slap in the face. Below is the account of what has happened today as well as leading up to it.
It has been over a month since Matt's passing. I had just began to come out of the fog of losing Matt and had been doing much better. The slap in the face was soon to come.
I woke up this morning to the sound of Kori's alarm clock. I got up with her, and for once made her breakfast before she went off to work. It was a day off from work for me and I planned to do stuff around the house and take care of a few things I had been meaning to do. After feeding my beautiful Fiance and sending her to work, I began to do a few chores around the house.
I cleaned up the kitchen, and did a few loads of laundry before hoping in the shower. I called my father and had planned to go to Matt's old house and pick up a few tools nobody was going to use that used to be Matt's. I had just got off the phone when I got a call from my brother in law Jason.
Jason is an attorney here in Salem and I thought he would be calling me about an accident he is taking care of for me. Instead of him saying anything about my accident, he said something I could never have thought I would hear in my wildest dreams. Jason said " Steve, I just got a call from Kevin's bishop and they found him dead this morning." It took a moment for what Jason said to me to register before the what felt like the weight of the world came crashing down on me.
I stood there for a minute before asking him to repeat what he had just said. I then gave my first response. "You have got to be fucking kidding me!" I made this statement twice more to Jason getting increasingly louder each time. At this time I went into absolute shock. I felt like the more times I said it, maybe he would laugh and say just kidding. I would have been absolutely pissed off at him if that was the case but I could handle that. Jason made it perfectly clear to me this was no joke.
I tried to breath while I continued to choke on my words. My brain had a fog over it that wouldn't let me think past the most basic of physical movements. I began to shake uncontrollable and could not think about what to do next.
I asked Jason if he had spoke with my father and he said he could not get a hold of him. I explained to him that my father was at Matt's old house and I was supposed to be meeting him there. Jason said he would go to the house, along with a few guys from my parents church to break the news. I knew I couldn't break the news alone however, I also knew I had to be there. I told Jason to let me know when they were going and I would meet them at the house.
I couldn't get a hold of Kori as she was meeting with a client for work. My next call was to my Sargent from work. I explained to him what happened and I cant even remember what words I said to him. Whatever I said must have been impactful as he was on my doorstep within 5 minutes of me calling him.
From there I don't remember much. I know I spoke to my brother David, Kori, and a friend from work. We arrived at Matt's old house and I paused as I was waiting for Jason and the others to arrive. Jason arrived and I walked the two or so blocks to Matt's old house to break the news to my father that yet another son of his had died.
We all met my father and broke the news to him. My father broke down in tears and I thought he was going to collapse. He stood tall and began to get very angry at whatever, and whoever he could. I gathered my father and drove him back to my parents house where we all sat for a few hours talking about what to do next and just sitting in the thickest fog one could ever imagine.
The rest of the day has been crazy. I feel so numb. I feel so depressed. Not in my wildest dreams would I have imagined this could happen. Not this soon. Not now. Not after my family has just had to deal with the passing of my brother Matt.
Like I said at the beginning, this most likely all sounds like a jumbled mess of words. I thought things were tough when Matt was gone. This is like a dream, like I'm going to wake up any minute and Kevin may still be alive. I know this isn't the case and life will have to go on. I'm just not sure how soon that will take place. For now this is all I can stand to write. Please pray for my family and pray for my brothers.
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